I am sure by now that I have mentioned that I am at the beginning of my last marriage. Which is to say, that I am committed to staying in this covenant relationship under the clauses of “forever” and “no matter what”. It isn’t as if I have not had an opportunity to follow the vows of ’till death do you part”. I was married before and although they began with love and kisses and passion, they ended with betrayal and disrespect and irrevocable dislike. Why the difference now with this marriage?
Primarily, because after dating the rainbow and taking stock of who I was, I could see there were some fallacies in play that I pretended were truths.
One of those lies was that it is easier to start over with a new guy/gal than it would be to fix things with the one you already have. I remember that my daughter, Monay, who teaches second grade, was recruited to go to another school. When I asked her why she didn’t take the offer, her answer was, “I already know these devils”. And, I am not calling your present spouse(or prior one) a devil. We are like children who have dolls/cars and want more another and another one. But, when you look at what they play with consistently, its the original car/doll they had from the beginning. If you have to recycle/rework/reupholster that partner. Re-invest your best into who and what you know and are familiar with. Taking a chance on something you hope may be better, just because it’s newer/younger/different, may end up being a losing gamble(and a costly one at that).
Secondly, I had this idea that it only takes love to make a marriage/relationship work. Remember the Beatles song, all you need is love? And the refrain, all you need is love, love, love is all you need. Quite the lie. In fact, love is probably the one thing you don’t have to have to make a marriage last. There are many cultures around the globe in which it is customary for couples to have their marriages arranged. Sometimes, the parties involved have never even seen their spouses to be. The love theory, you know, that one that postulates that when love is present, passion/honesty/communication and trust rides on its coattails, is a false equation. What is true, is that a good dose of forgiveness, even when the one who has wronged you does NOT apologize, makes the bitter part of human nature easier to swallow.
Boomer wisdom would tell you that the best foundation for a good marriage is forgiveness. When the two of you go to bed, each holding onto the edge of the mattress so as not to touch the other, sexual intimacy is not the flame that will draw you close. It is forgiveness. When he/she has again, used the last of the toilet paper and there isn’t any to be found in the bathroom, his/her gorgeous face is not the look that will keep you from going psycho. When he/she doesn’t cook/clean/act responsibly/bathe/pick up after themselves, and so on and so forth, the thought of strong arms on cold nights will not be the thought that crosses your mind, In fact, some of those thoughts are mostly of a profane nature and involve lock changes and the single life.
Boomer wisdom would like to remind you that perfection is not of this world. To expect it from those closest to you, when you yourself can never give it back, is hypocrisy. I love my husband and think he is sexy and gorgeous and funny and kind and crazy and maddening and selfish. Most likely, there are moments when he thinks the very same thing about me. But, at the end of the day, what I don’t think is that he is replaceable because of his faults. I believe that he is irreplaceable because for whatever shortcomings we both exhibit, if I say I love him, I extend forgiveness, readily, quickly and sometimes first, apology or no.
Blessings to you all and may you experience love and forgiveness!